


I've kept it for you (or the five times Bucky could have said her words and the one time he did)

by Ecchymose



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/M, Mutual Pining, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-23
Packaged: 2018-10-02 08:44:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,734
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10213832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ecchymose/pseuds/Ecchymose
Summary: Since the very first time Bucky met Lallie, Clint's little sister, he's been dying to say the words he knew were marked onto her skin. But he never did... until that one time.





	1. The first time (The meeting)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey ! I've been writing this one since forever, I hope you enjoy it ! :)
> 
> You can find me on tumblr at http://inpeacemayuleavetheshore.tumblr.com/ and give me some prompts ! I'll welcome you very warmly :)
> 
> The alternative title is Halo (Beyoncé, cover by Madilyn Bailey) because I have the habit of giving the name of the song I listened while writing as the title but this time I didn't.
> 
> I worked on this as a one-shot but I'll divide it in six parts and update pretty quickly.
> 
> Enjoy !

Natasha entered the common room before Lallie and the later grumbled under her breath.

“How can she be so damn beautiful after a two-hour workout when I look like I’ve just been ran over by a truck !”

The red-head must have heard her because she turned back and smirked at her. Despite the sass in her smile, Natasha’s eyes were soft as she looked at her with tenderness.

“You’re always pretty Lal.” She said and the blonde smiled back. 

“You only say that because I’m your best friend Nat."

“But you know I don’t hang out with uglies” the red-head retorted back.

When Lallie looked at the people present in the room she could only agree. Damn it was like she climbed up the Olympus mountain and reached the divine world.  
Her gaze fell upon the impressive stature of the men (Steve was definitely something) and the femme-fatale looks of the girls. She knew most of the people there. Clint of course as he was her brother (that’s how Nat became her best friend), Wanda who spent a lot of time at her brother’s, Steve whom she saw a few times, Sam whom she befriended pretty easily. She encountered Tony too, although the relationships between the Avengers were still tense at times. However, Thor and Rhodey she never met. And there was Bucky. She had heard a lot about him. Her brother fought on his side one year ago and Nat told her a lot as she had a past with him (she really was pissed about her scar…not that it made her any less sexy !)

But she was also aware of his Winter Soldier past and it kind of fascinated her. She read a lot about it, out of curiosity and also because for some reason she felt a heavy attraction to him. She was more horrified by what had been done to him than what he had done. The torture parts were gruesome and her heart clenched several times. It even made her cry and puke once as she could almost feel the pain in her own body. Nat forbade her to read anymore of the file she gave her if it made her feel sick. Lallie took her best friend's advice though she kept the file in her drawer and often looked at his photograph before going to bed. She didn’t mean to do it in a creepy way, for some reason it settled her heart.  
It's one of the reasons why she recognized him immediately when she entered the room. He changed a lot from what he looked like in the 1940’s. He was much broader, his hair was longer and tied in a bun. But what struck her the most was how much sadder he looked. The glint in his former sparkling eyes was still there but much lighter, flickering in the ice blue of his pupils Lallie could barely see because of the way he often bent his head down, hiding his face from the others.  
Natasha went to grab a bottle of water in the fridge as Lallie was greeted by the team. Everyone had their own way to acknowledge her presence. Her brother kissed her forehead, Wanda hugged her (despite Lallie’s warning that she might be sweating), Sam high-fived her, Tony handed her a cup of coffee while Steve put a hand on her shoulder.

“Had a good run ?” the blond super-soldier asked her.

“I can’t feel my legs anymore while Nat here looks like she’s flying instead of walking but at least I’ll have a reminder that I pushed myself harder than I thought I could, so I’m fine with it !”

Lallie smiled at the man in front of her who flashed her an understanding look.

“You should be proud to keep up with Natasha and you’re always welcome to come running with Sam, Bucky and I.”

She saw Sam smirk and she laughed softly. She wouldn’t even last a minute with them. She had listened to the black man complain about how unfair it was to see them running two lapses when he barely completed one. 

Her eyes fell on Bucky’s figure who was standing a few feet behind his best friend. He was looking at her and she had to fight the urge to blush at the intensity of his gaze. Except she wasn’t actually sure if he was looking at her precisely or in her directions as he looked lost in his thoughts. She waited for him to come back to reality, not wanting to rush him before introducing herself to him. When he finally did after a few seconds, he shook his head, looking embarrassed and one loop sided-grin appeared on his face. At this very moment he was so beautiful Lallie lost any sense of retain.

“Damn, I didn’t know a man-bun could turn me on that much !”

Although she only whispered her words, by the look he gave her, suddenly well aware of her, she knew he heard her. She didn’t know what she expected him to say, but at least something. Instead, he kept silent and even though his face was impassible, his eyes seem to hold a torment, a war raging in the blue of his pupils before his look turned stern again. 

Bucky was dying to say the words. They were on the tip of his tongue. He hadn’t known why he had felt so attracted to her since the very moment she entered the room until this moment. Until she said the words. He knew them better he knew his name for they were inked onto the side of his torso and he read them a thousand times. He had lost himself in her contemplation, bewitched by the beauty of her face and when she noticed it, he got embarrassed and nearly blushed. He felt the powerful need to protect her. It was overwhelming. He wanted to take her in his arms and bury his face in the crook of her neck. However, the two feelings contradicted themselves. He wasn’t a good man, not the man she deserved. He had done horrible things and the thought of tarnishing her purity by his faults kept him silent. So, he fought his urge to say the words back. He bit his tongue until the taste of blood invaded his mouth. He couldn’t do that to her. He wouldn’t. Not until he was worthy of her. He doubted he ever would be but he wished, oh but how he wished he could !

Lallie waited for him to speak until she figured he wouldn’t and she smiled softly. 

“Well, anyway, I’m Lallie. It’s nice to meet you.”

She offered her hand and was relieved when he took it after a beat. His hand was so big around hers, she felt safe and she was overwhelmed by the desire to bury herself in his broad chest. But the next second she sobered at the thought of his former silence. She couldn’t help but feel a little hurt. She wasn’t worth a loss of his breath. Her dignity took a hit when she realized her attraction wasn’t reciprocated. She knew it was silly and had no right to wait for something from him but she couldn’t help feeling disappointed at his indifference and overwhelmed by what felt like rejection for some unknown reason. Thankfully her brother caught her attention and turning away from Bucky, she tried to forget about the puzzling swirling emotions inside her. 

She was quickly swept away from Bucky and he couldn’t help feeling like he lost something. He looked at her from afar, touching absently his bun. She liked it. He knew she would. He kept it for her. Steve had offered to cut his hair but he turned him down. Not until he met her. And today he finally did.


	2. The second time (The bottle)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the comments and likes, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it ! 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this part too :)

Lallie didn’t know why she ever agreed to go running with the three men. She liked to think it was Steve’s kind smile and sincere invitation that convinced her (she honestly didn’t want to hurt him by saying no) but she knew better. She knew deep down it had nothing to do with the blond-haired guy but more with his dark-haired best-friend. It was the thought of seeing and being around Bucky that made her agree to this crazy idea. She now fully realized how much of a fool she was when she thought she wouldn’t even last a minute with them. She tried to go at Sam’s speed for thirty seconds before giving up. Sam’s endurance speed was her sprint one on a good day. They were nice enough not to judge her and to wait for her at the end of her hour of jogging. When she had finally finished her run, she had spotted them sitting under a tree, talking and joking and she was actually able to hear Bucky’s laugh as she was coming closer. Tickles appeared in her belly and she had to convinced herself it was hunger and not how adorable he sounded. A point of sadness tainted her mood as she thought of his indifference when they had met but she forced a smile when she joined them. They rose to their feet and Sam put a hand on her shoulder as he pretended to be out of breath, bending and resting his other hand on one knee.

“See what I’m going through every day! One was enough, but now I get to be humiliated by two of them !”

“It’s because you’re still trying to match them. I didn’t and at the end of the day the turtle finishes the race too.”

“You’re right Lallie, and I think you should be proud of yourself. Not everybody would have gotten up at six in the morning to go running with us and not given up !” the blonde-supersoldier agreed.

It was adorable of Steve to say and she couldn’t help blushing at the compliment. She wasn’t the most comfortable person at receiving them. But she could trust Sam to turn the situation to derision and although he made fun of her she was grateful to him.

“Oh master Turtle enlighten me with your wisdom !”

She smacked his head kindly and he laughed at his own joke. She didn’t notice Bucky’s jealous look at her easily-growing friendship with the two of his friends.

“We should get back at the tower.” He said sternly, careful not to address his words to her but towards Steve. 

He didn’t mean to be harsh, he just could stomach the way she blushed at Steve’s words and how she joked with Sam. He was hers and he didn’t want her to be anyone’s but his. He knew he had no right to feel this way as he refused to say her words but he could help it. He was jealous. She was very sweet and pretty and he wasn’t stupid enough to think his two friends didn’t notice. She looked up at him and when he saw kindness in her eyes he felt the weight on his heart disappear suddenly.

“Let’s go then !” she exclaimed as she smiled brightly at him and god, she was beautiful !

Her smile didn’t match the feeling in her body. Her legs were burning, her muscles stretching, her breath still difficult and her throat dry. Her face was probably red as well. But when she heard Bucky’s voice, which she realized was the first time she did, the tickling in her belly was back and she suddenly felt lighter. It only lasted a second though and she realized the next she had lost her water bottle. She had put it in the front pocket of her sweatshirt but the weight of it had disappeared. She looked around, her hands opened wide against her stomach and Steve seemed to understand her sudden distress. 

“Hey” he said calmly, his voice grounding her “your bottle fell when you were running. Bucky picked it up.”

Without missing a beat, a metal hand stretched in front of her, not too quick though as not to scare her. Lallie looked up once again at the man-bun-haired man. He didn’t say anything. She didn’t expect him to. She didn’t need him to either. Her eyes sank into his icy blue orbs and they were expressing everything she needed to know. Even though his body was tense, his face impassible, his eyes were soft and…tender ?

The fact that he had it meant he kept it during all of his run, holding it for her. He picked it up Steve said. It meant that he stopped his fast strides, risking to lose his rhythm to pick up her bottle, a bottle he could have let her pick up herself or go collect later. 

“Thank you.” She said shyly under his gaze.

He nodded and their fingers brushed as she took her bottle from his left hand. She didn’t shy away from the metal. In fact, it didn’t seem to bother her and his heart warmed up to this revelation. She blushed a little and the jealousy he felt minutes ago towards Steve melt into pride. He too was able to make her blush. Maybe it meant nothing, maybe she blushed easily but whereas she blushed because of a compliment Steve made, this blush, the one he just made appear on her cheeks was only due to his touch. He felt like he was winning over his best friend. 

Lallie felt her cheeks redden and she pretended to be unaffected by Bucky’s touch by taking a long gulp of water, allowing her eyes to break the hypnotizing eye contact he held with her. He may have forbidden himself to say her words but he had made no promise about not looking at her and he was glad he didn’t ‘cause the mere sight of her was worth it. 

She talked animatedly on the way back to the Tower, her hands moving in the air as she told him about her first encounter with Natasha, affection evident in her voice and he found her cute. She was so pure and although the words were burning in his brain, invading every one of his thoughts, he swallowed the words back. He couldn’t let his selfish desires take over his wish to keep you safe and away from his demons. He watched her smile at him and told himself that for now, it was enough.


	3. The third time (the seat)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Third time's a charm ? ...Hmmm not sure about that !
> 
> I still hope you're enjoying this, let me know if you do :)

Lallie was at the compound from time to time and he knew she was here from the smiles his teammates sported, especially Natasha. Her presence seemed to relax and make everyone happier. He couldn’t say otherwise, himself felt lighter from the mere sight of her. She was full of joy and kindness that lightened the mood which sometimes was heavy and unpleasant due to the remaining tension between some of them (him and Tony mostly). He didn’t show anyone his impatience to see her and his contentment when he did. He even tried to lie to himself. He only liked to see Steve free of the weight he used to bear over his shoulders. And he appreciated the fact that Tony was off his back, his focus on her instead of him, his mood brighter and less inclined to find some nasty comments he called jokes to throw at him. No, that he didn’t deserve them to some extent, but it was never something he didn’t already think about himself. 

He never talked to her though. She tried to engage in a conversation with him at first but noticing his mutism she slowly gave up and while she still greeted him with a warm smile, she didn’t try to get a word out of him. It hurt him but he couldn’t blame her. He brought it onto himself. It was better this way, for her as for him. Because he was falling for her more and more every time he saw her and the less interaction between them, the better for his heart. He watched her a lot when she was in the same room. He watched the way she moved her hands animatedly when talking, the way smiles stretched easily on her face, the way her eyes shone in the morning light, the way she listened to everyone with an unfailing patience and interest or the way her gaze would fill itself with tenderness whenever she watched Romanov or Barton. She was beautiful. So beautiful he wished he could tell her that because she deserved to know she was. 

She was often there when they had their movie nights and it was an opportunity to watch her as much as he wanted to. In the semi-darkness, when everybody’s attention was on the screen, he felt free to imprint her image in his mind. He didn’t even feel guilty not to watch the movie, although he knew they were picking classics mostly for him and Steve.  
Tonight the room was rather crowded. Thor was here along with his astrophysicist girlfriend and her crazy-in-the-fun-way sidekick. Clint brought his family too. However, one of the perks of being the former Winter soldier was the fact that people didn’t come to sit next to him if they could find a place somewhere else (except for Sam and Steve…and Lallie). Weirdly, Bucky thought, she never had shown some evidence of fear or discomfort around him. It warmed his heart when he noticed her easiness next to him.  
About what he did next, he told himself it was only because there were only a few more seats and that she wouldn’t care being next to him. So he lowered the seat on his left side and put his jacket on it, indicating it was taken. When Sam and Steve arrived, his blond-haired friend sat at his right side and before Sam could move to his left side, he stopped him with his stretched metal arm.

“This seat’s taken.”

Sam’s eyes opened wide for a second as he watched him with incredulity.

“By who ?” 

Seeing Bucky’s silence, Sam lost is patience.

“Oh come on man ! This isn’t payback for the car thing in Berlin right ?”

“There’s a seat next to Steve.” Bucky only answered. 

“But this one is in the middle of the row.” Sam whined.

“Yes but this one’s taken.”

The two men stared at each other in silence but Bucky didn’t give up and he didn’t want to think about the reason of his stubbornness. Sam finally sighed heavily before sitting on Steve’s right side, grumbling about “how long could the old fucking tinman possibly hold a grudge”. 

The corner of Bucky’s mouth stretched up, but contrary to what Sam thought, it had nothing to do with the car thing. No, it had everything to do with the girl that just entered the room. Bucky swallowed as he saw her and tried not to be too obvious as he watched her looking for a seat. When her eyes fell upon him he smiled warmly, indicating the seat next to him. She smiled back and his heart skipped a beat at how pretty she was. She made her way towards him gracefully without a second of hesitation and he was unable to detach his eyes from her bewitching frame. 

“Hey” she greeted him softly. 

She thanked him as he took his jacket of her seat and she was able to sit. He nodded, enjoying her smiling voice. He made her happy when he kept her a seat and that was enough for him. He would dedicate his life to her happiness. Even if he’d never voice his feelings, it was enough to see her smile. She was enough. He knew Sam and Steve were looking at him and he definitely knew his best friend was drawing conclusions. However, Bucky didn’t want to encounter the blonde’s look for he would find happiness at the sight of him fancying someone. Because Steve probably thought it meant that Bucky was finally opening up to the idea of being deserving a life. Except he wasn’t. What Steve didn’t know was the fact that his best friend didn’t plan on acting on his feelings. And Bucky knew that if his eyes met Steve’s, the other man would find out. He would see the heartbreaking sadness in the blue of his eyes. For it wasn’t just an attraction anymore he felt for Lallie or the simple knowledge that she was his soulmate. No, it was absolute, heart-wrecking as well as heart-settling love. He had fallen for her hard, for her kind smiles and her cuteness. He was in love with the girl that made pancakes on every Sunday morning at the compound and thought to make a double ration for everyone without them having to ask, with the girl who let Wanda braid her hair over and over again when the psychic didn’t know what to do with her hands and her fingers started to sparkle with red ; with the girl that followed her brother in the air vents and made the ex-assassin knock his head when she surprised him, beating him at his own game ; with the girl that made a hip-hop dancing contest with Sam and Natasha and exploded into laughter when she slipped and fell on her behind (no need to precise he was the first at her side to check on her and make sure she didn’t hurt herself too seriously). There was no point denying it anymore. He knew why he kept the seat next to him for her, he knew why he had been stubborn about it. He was irrevocably and completely in love with her. 

Unbeknownst to him, next to him, Lallie’s heart was beating fast and there were these weird sensations in her belly again. She fought the huge goofy smile that threatened to graze her face when she realized he had kept her a seat. He may not talk to her yet but he thought of her and that was definitely something.


	4. The fourth time (The Cookie)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the positive feedback ! :)
> 
> Here, have something sweet, have a cute Bucky ! ;)

Lallie’s eyelids fluttered as a ray of sunshine hit her face and the blonde stretched lazily, enjoying the feeling of knowing she had all the time in the world, that she could get up whenever she wanted. Her best friend probably left for the gym already, leaving her alone in the bed she offered to share last night. "Offer" might be a nice way to say Nat wouldn’t let her leave on her own that late in a city like New-York City. She had spent a lovely evening at the compound laughing and hearing Bucky laughing softly (God be blessed), a rare but oh so beautiful sound. She smiled at the memory, not even worried about the fact that she was slowly but surely falling for him. 

The compound was quiet and the common kitchen empty when she reached it. It was Sunday and for her, it called for homemade cookies. She baked them, finding that although not frequently used by the inhabitants, the cupboards were full. She was humming a tune when Bucky entered the room, his shirt draped over his shoulder, naked she noticed with pleasure. He was wearing sweatpants that hung low on his hips and damn, he was a sight for sore eyes. Lallie felt her mouth go dry and she couldn’t tear her eyes away from his bare torso. His abs were sculpted out of marble and she could feel her fingers twitching, craving to reach out to him and caress his muscles. Her eyes traveled upon his body, taking in the delicious sight of his broad shoulders, his bulging biceps and the veins on his forearms. She knew she was staring and that the appropriate amount of time of looking at someone was way overrun but how was she supposed to be able to stop watching (devouring, let’s be honest) when he looked like that ?

“Hey” she finally managed to say and her voice was embarrassingly a little bit husky. 

He only smiled at her to greet her but walk through the room and leaned down the counter in front of her. He raised his eyebrows questioningly and she forced herself to look at his eyes. 

“I’m baking cookies” she explained. “Do you wanna help ?” 

He nodded silently and she smiled. Although he had no idea how to cook (he could remember watching his mom cook as a kid and later, when he was older baking pancakes with a skinny Steve but his hands seemed to have forgotten how to do it) and he was afraid of bothering her, the way her eyes lightened up when she offered him to help was too cute to say no to. He washed his hands before standing by her sides where she showed him what to do. Her smile never faltered and it made his heart settle in his chest. They worked well together and he noticed her humming resumed and soon the final batch was put into the oven. 

“There you go !” 

She turned to face Bucky and raised her hand to give him a high-five. He looked dumbfounded for a few seconds before she exclaimed again “Great job partner !” and his face finally cracked into a smile and his palm joined hers, slapping it lightly. He didn’t let his hand fall right away and she relished feeling his skin against hers. Her eyes were trapped in his icy blue orbs and she didn’t want to let this moment end. It felt right. It felt like she finally made it to the finish line. It felt like home. 

But because real life wasn’t a fairy tale where everything went perfectly, her phone vibrated loudly on the counter and the moment was instantly broken. She took the damn thing and read the text she had just received. Dread filled her as she read the words over and over again, however, they didn’t seem to make any sense. They were whirling in her head and she looked shocked. She felt a hand on her shoulder and she turned to Bucky who was sporting a worried expression on his handsome face. That brought her back to reality. 

“I need to go. Right now. Could you take the cookies out in ten minutes, please ? I’m sorry I won’t be able to taste them with you.”

She took the hand he had gently put on her shoulder, squeezed it as she tried to smile at him. She could see the worry in his eyes and for some reason it made her feel uneasy, wanting to reassure him so, on an impulse, she stood on her toes and planted a quick kiss on his cheek before running off the tower.  
Lallie finally reached the shop she owned for two years now half an hour later and a man came to her immediately. 

“Miss, are you the owner of the shop ?” 

She nodded completely stunned by what she was seeing. 

“The building’s pipes blew off. I’m very sorry. Do you have an insurance ? …Miss ?”

But all she could do was watch her shop, her accomplishment of many hard-working years flooded before her eyes. Damn, Lallie thought, the day had started so well !  
She spent the rest of the day taking the water out,  trying to save whatever could be saved and dealing with insurance papers she didn’t understand in a daze. And when there was nothing more that she could do, she resigned herself to go back to the compound. She didn’t feel like being alone, she needed her friends.  
Except she couldn’t seem to find them and was now wandering the halls in a desperate search for Nat or Clint. The events of the day were finally catching up with her and her patience was wearing away. Anger, exhaustion, sadness were threatening to take over her and she was about to lose it when she heard running behind her. She turned expecting her brother or her best friend (she texted them about the shop and the time she’ll be back). But the man in front of her as definitely neither of them. The sight of him immediately took some of the anger away and she smiled weakly at him. Before she could ask him what he was doing here, he raised his metal arm holding out a Tupperware to her and she noticed the single cookie inside of it. She felt herself blushing instantly. He kept it for her. She timidly took the box from his hand and thanked him softly. He smiled back, a rare and precious sight, and his eyes turned brighter. 

“You didn’t have to.” She murmured. 

He bent his head on the side like he was reminding her she made them and yes he did have to because she deserved at least one. And despite the cuteness of his actions, she couldn’t prevent herself from thinking that he wasn’t doing it because he had feelings for her, but only because he was polite and it was the nice thing to do. Her heart fell into her stomach and the weight of the day was suddenly too heavy to carry. This revelation added to her tiredness and the unfairness of the shop situation was suddenly too much. She broke down, tears running down her face silently. She saw panic take over Bucky’s features and a part of her felt guilty but the next thing she knew she was buried against his firm chest, his arms around her small frame and her head tucked under his chin. She could feel everything about him. His solidity, his manly and highly intoxicating scent, his breath on the top of her head. She gripped the back of his shirt as much as she could with the box still in one of her hands. They stayed like that for who knows how long, even after her cries dried out, he kept holding her. His left hand on her waist and his right playing softly with her hair, drawing lazily comforting patterns. When they finally broke the hug, he kept her close, took the box from her and opened it. She frowned, wondering what he was doing when he took a bite of the cookie.

“Hey !” she exclaimed weakly, her voice still hoarse from crying. “That’s my cookie !” 

He smirked looking not sorry in the least and she laughed with sincerity and the sound of it made Bucky smile with tenderness. Lallie tried to catch the cookie from him but he raised his arm smirking again and she pouted like a five-years-old.

“My cookie” she whined. 

She was tempted to jump and try to reach it but knew it was a lost cause. And she also knew the cuteness card worked way better. 

Either way, Bucky had no intention of actually eating her cookie entirely (one bite wouldn’t hurt and it was so damn good !). He had only meant to make her smile and it went beyond expectations. He lowered his arm and directed the cookie towards Lallie’s mouth, his eyes swiftly switching from her eyes to her lips then back to her eyes as she never stopped looking at him when she opened her mouth and bit into the pastry. She licked her lips unconsciously (well for the most part) and Bucky gulped, the sole gesture turning him on. Despite her slight blush, Lallie didn’t back down and this time when she took another bite she moaned. She didn’t plan to take this that far after the licking thing but seeing as he didn’t show any sign of discomfort at her flirting, she figured why not. The cookie was good, there was no denying that she thought with pride, but not that good. Bucky was painfully aware of the tightness in his pants but she was tired, upset and he didn’t want to take advantage of her current state. He didn’t want to put too much meaning in her actions either. She had a tiring day, she probably didn’t mean it like he hoped she did. Plus, he still hadn’t actually talked to her, so there was this tiny detail too… So he let her finish the pastry, their eyes still linked and he let himself enjoy their proximity. She seemed to come back to reality when she yawned though, much to his disappointment (although he wouldn’t admit it out loud).

“I should probably go to bed.” 

He nodded silently. 

“Thanks again for the cookie.”

He suddenly thought about speaking then, finally saying the words he had been dying to tell her for weeks, since the very first time he met her, the words she was hopefully meant to hear from him. But instead, he leaned towards her and kissed her cheek like she had done this morning. 

Saying she was surprised was an understatement. Sure, there had been some improvement in their relationship and he wasn’t uncomfortable of physical contact with her anymore (the hug was the proof of that) and maybe he even liked her (he kept her a seat and the cookie after all) but his behavior was still a question mark for her.  

As she walked back to Natasha’s room though, she couldn’t help herself from daydreaming a little. She opened the door and was welcomed by the image of her brother and best-friend sitting on the couch, an episode of Grey’s Anatomy waiting to be watched and a pot of ice-cream to be eaten. 

“Here you are !” the red-hair exclaimed, motioning for Lallie to join them and the blonde felt herself smile with love and gratefulness. 

Life could suck sometimes but she was surrounded by wonderful people and in this moment, it made every sucky thing insignificant.


	5. The fifth time (The drawing)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos and the comments ! 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this part, we're getting closer to the end. 
> 
> Bucky needed time before he could tell Lallie, but hasn't he waited too long and taken the risk to let her slip between his (metal) fingers...?

He’s been avoiding her. It’s been three weeks since the cookie night and ever since, whenever she entered a room he was in, he’d just leave, not even bothering to find an excuse. He would leave, careful not to brush past her but to keep some distance, his eyes down away from her own, his body tense like she personally offended him. It hurt. Every single time. But she would swallow it down, keep smiling and greet everyone like he didn’t just wrecked her heart.   
She’s been trying to figure out why he was acting the way he did and the only explanation she came with was that she made a fool of herself when she flirted, and now he was embarrassed and didn’t know how to turn her down. She told herself she would make it easier for him and started avoiding him as well. She figured the less time she spent in his company, the more he would think it didn’t mean a thing. He’d see she moved on, so he would too and stop acting the way he currently did. 

She turned down several of Nat’s offers to come by to the compound. Her bestfriend knew her astonishingly well and was starting to notice something was up. Lallie’s way of looking at the long-haired man drew her always-careful attention and the last thing the blonde wanted was for the red-head to do the maths and understand that Bucky was the reason she had been avoiding the Avengers facility. It would only bring an unwanted discussion about some feelings Lallie wasn’t sure she wanted spoken out loud. She wasn’t even eager to admit them to herself and talking about them would make it all too real, including Bucky’s rejection. 

But because she couldn’t eternally avoid the compound, she had to finally agree to Nat’s suggestion. The former Russian spy had a soft heart when it came to the Barton family and its newest members. It’s been weeks since the red-head last saw her nephews, knew how much they loved seeing the rest of the Avengers so when Laura and she talked about it over the phone, they came to the conclusion that Lallie should bring them to the compound and let Laura have a day of rest. How could she say no to that? 

The kids’ smiles were worth it, Lallie thought as they entered the building. Plus, it didn’t mean that she had to see him. The compound was big enough not to run into him and the fact that he was trying to avoid her too would probably make it easier. It was a good thing right ? She was trying to avoid him and he was avoiding her so no problem, yay ! Except, despite her attempts to make it sound chipper, there was still a pang in her heart. A pain she knew only one person was able to make disappear…or time. Yeah, time seemed like a more plausible option. 

Clint had just returned from a mission so he was presently there too before taking his children back home tonight but the kids weren’t interested in their father. Who would hang out with their parent when they could be with Captain America, Iron Man and the Winter Soldier ? And what Lallie had been trying to evade finally happened. Her eyes fell onto his silhouette as soon as her feet had passed the gym’s threshold. He was laying on a bench, lifting weights above him and damn, he was a glorious ! His biceps were bulging from the effort, calling to be worshiped, veins drawing blue streaks on his forearms, and his large hands wrapped around the bar. A band of skin was visible between his very-fitting white shirt and his gym shorts, subtly reveling his lower abs and Lallie felt herself getting suddenly hot. She caught herself fantasizing about all the things she’d like to do to him, licking and kissing every inch of his perfectly shaped body. A tug at her left hand tore her away from these pleasant pictures and she looked down at Cooper.

“Can I go watch Steve ?”

Lallie nodded and without missing a beat the boy was running towards his hero and marveling at his strength as the super-soldier was doing push-ups, making it seems like it was as easy as breathing. Lila let go of her aunt’s hand as well but Lallie didn’t worry about it too much, it might be the safest place in the world and they were surrounded by superheroes, and kept looking as Steve offered to teach Cooper how to punch into the bag. She watched with a half-amused half-affectionate smile as her nephew tried to kick the bag with his leg, lost his balance and fell onto his ass. 

“It’s not nice to make fun at your nephew.”

Lallie didn’t notice Natasha by her side before the later spoke up, not that this was surprising.

“Please, when Nathaniel was born you called him fat !”

“How do you know that ?”

The blonde raised an eyebrow at her bestfriend.

“You told me. Getting old, Любимая моя ? (Lioubimaia moia : sweetheart)

“I tell you too many things. And you’re cute, learning Russian for me, sweetheart.” Natasha smiled at her before speaking again. “You on the contrary are keeping something from me.”

“What do you mean ?” Lallie feigned.

“There’s something you’re not telling me.”

“There isn’t Nat, don’t be so paranoid.” 

It was her turn to rise her eyebrows at the blonde.

“Fine.” Lallie surrendered. “But I’ll tell you when I’m ready.”

The red-head only reached for her hand and intertwined their fingers, letting her know without words that she would always be there for her. With a grateful squeeze Lallie looked up until her eyes settled upon her niece. Lila was standing next to a sitting and slightly confused Bucky. Her backpack was on the floor, open with her coloring pens’ case coming out of it. The brown-haired girl was drawing something upon his metal shoulder, her tongue poking out of her mouth, deep in concentration. Next to her Bucky was bending his head, looking at his shoulder being adorned, his face impassible. From where she was standing Lallie couldn’t see whatever it was that her niece was drawing but soon the girl was done with her piece of art, looked up and with a dazzling smile turned around to call out to her aunts.

“Auntie Lallie, auntie Nat, come see what I drew on Bucky’s arm !”

It happened to be a heart drawn with a red pen, matching the red A of the Avengers just above it. Her own heart skipped a beat when she read what was inside of it. L + B. She wasn’t a fool, she knew her niece meant it as Lila + Bucky but for the briefest instant it felt differently. Her eyes slid up along the shining metal arm to find the eyes of his owner and she noticed he was looking at her for what felt the first time in forever. He didn’t divert his gaze like she thought he would and something in his grey-blue pupils told her that maybe he thought about the same thing. Of course Lila had a crush on Bucky, how could she not when he was this handsome and cute with a light blush under his five-o’clock shadow ? No, Lallie wouldn’t go down this path again. She was the one to break the visual contact to fix her eyes upon her radiant-looking niece.

“I’m sure Bucky loves your drawing honey, but maybe we should let him work out ?”

Lila, bless her, nodded without losing her enthusiasm and waved at the man.

“Bye Bucky !”

It was seconds later that he finally responded, Lallie had already turned her back when she heard his voice.

“Bye.”

It wasn’t loud but it was still a word. A word that wasn’t directed at her but at her niece while she never got a single one out of him. She clenched her jaw, forbidding herself to let her emotions show but rather chose to grin at the sight of her beaming niece. 

She spent the rest of the day pushing any thought of Bucky out of her head and made the most of her stay for she knew she would reduce the frequency of her visits. She wasn’t one to make herself hurt on purpose and if a certain man with a bun wouldn’t reciprocate her feelings then fine. After all her soulmate was still out there, waiting to be found. 

She left the compound with a renewed resolve. She would find her soulmate, forget about Bucky and be happy. She deserved it. Clint was putting the tired kids in her car. Lila was already sleeping and Cooper’s head was dangerously dropping to the side. The hours of playing heroes and villains exhausted them and Lallie knew it would be a quiet drive home. The Avengers were coming outside to bid them their goodbye and the former Winter Soldier stopped at her right side. From the corner of her eye she saw the heart still on his left shoulder and her own twitched despite herself. Forgetting him was easier said than done, she thought with bitterness. 

“You still have it.” She stated, forcing her voice to be neutral. “It’s cute but you should wipe it though.”

And with that, without waiting for a response she knew he wouldn’t grant her anyway, she left his side, climbing up behind the steering wheel, never catching the hurt look Bucky was giving her.

Bucky had been through a lifetime of suffering and both mental and physical torture. Some could certainly say he had a pretty high tolerance to pain. Although, when Lallie walked away after telling him he should remove the drawing, basically expressing him how she felt about L + B, he couldn’t prevent the ache to show on his face. It had been like a blow, brutally punching him in the stomach, taking his breath away for a second. He didn’t expect it and it hurt even more. He was on the verge of saying the words, god knew he wanted to, when she kicked him to the ground with only a few words. 

His whole body was urging him to go to her, to take her in his arms, feel her intoxicating scent, caress her hair and never let go. His hands were hungry for the softness of her skin, his fingertips tingling, his lips avid for her kisses. He had been an idiot. How could he have ever thought that loving her from afar would be enough ? As he watched her sitting in the driver seat, her gaze focused on the horizon in front of her, her hands gripping her wheel until her knuckles went white, he made his decision. He would tell her soon.


	6. The one time (part 1)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't intending to, but the last part was too long compared to the other chapters so I prefered to cut it into two parts, so there'll be another part after this one !
> 
> I hope you enjoy this part, let me know what you think :)

Lallie didn’t want to go to Stark’s fancy party. To be honest, she didn’t feel like going anywhere. She just wanted to stay in her bed all night and maybe even all day tomorrow. The shop was still closed and that could allow her to take some vacations. She didn’t want to face anyone and especially Bucky. Because despite her efforts to be indifferent to him she couldn’t stop her hear to skip a beat whenever she saw him. And although the sight of him made her smile everytime, it was only for a second, a second during which her brain was blinded by his handsome silhouette and his breathtaking features including the wrinkles at the corner of his eyes whenever he smiled that she wanted to kiss with adoration. But then she’ll remember that he didn’t feel the same about her and that, god it hurt. It hurt so bad she couldn’t even bare the sight of him anymore. She’d been avoiding him for two weeks now and while she missed him, it was for the better. She couldn’t allow herself to be hurt intentionally. It was too late not to fall for him but at least she could choose not to cause herself some more pain. Hence the avoiding. Hence not going tonight. There, she thought, her mind was made ! She definitely wouldn’t go to Tony’s party. Instead she would binge-watch some random show, Friends maybe, that would cheer her up ! 

As she was making her mind there was a knock on the door and Lallie groaned. Damn, she forgot about Natasha coming over to get ready. She buried her head inside the pillow. Her bestfriend would never let her mope in bed when she could forget about Bucky drinking and flirting with other men. It was Nat’s favorite way of dealing with absolutely everything. Lallie didn’t even bother getting up to let her enter, Nat knew where to find the back-up key and soon the red-head swept the cover away and off from Lallie’s body and the later protested, feeling the cold air hit her skin. 

“Care to tell me what you’re still doing in bed ?”

“Not really.” Lallie grumbled.

“None of that with me Lallie Amalia Barton.”

The blonde sighed hearing her bestfriend using her full birth name.

“I was king of planning on not going.” She finally admitted avoiding the burning look on the top of her head as her face against the soft fabric of the pillow. 

However the mellow fabric didn’t prevent her from hearing the sigh the other woman let out. Before she could even imagine what Nat’s next move would be, she was thrown off the bed as the red-hair lifted the mattress and Lallie fell on the floor with a thump.

“Hey !” the blonde cried out.

“If you think you’re allowed to let me go to that party all by myself, you’re dreaming sweetheart !”

“Nat…” she whined finally looking up.

The ex-spy raised her eyebrows at her, daring her to keep protesting.

“Nat I can’t.” 

Ans as the words came out all the hurt that just kept bubbling up in her chest because of Bucky’s constant indifference overwhelmed her and a single tear slid down her face. In a second Nat’s expression changed and compassion soon softened her gorgeous features. She knelt down next to her and swept the tear off Lallie’s face before taking her in her arms. 

“Sweetheart, if he can’t see how fucking perfect you are then he doesn’t deserve you and that’s his loss. Don’t take this so personally, the man’s broken. He may not even think he’s allowed to feel this way about anybody.”

Oh well ! So Nat finally did the maths then. Instead of feeling bad about it, Lallie actually felt relieved her bestfriend knew. 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”

“It’s ok.” Her hand stroke the blonde hair, gently shushing her.

“I wish he did though. I wish he could see how deserving he is.”

“I know you do.” was all Nat answered.

There was silence, Lallie was trying to control her sobs before Nat spoke again. 

“You know what ? You’re going to show him what he’s missing out on. You’re going to take his breath away when he sees you tonight. I have in mind the perfect dress for this. Trust me, if seeing you in it doesn’t make him realize he’s been blind this whole time, nothing can.”

It took a couple of seconds for Lallie to answer.

“I’m not sure. I don’t think I can do this.”

The Black Widow took the chin of the woman she considered her sister between her fingers and raised it so their eyes were linked and she looked at her with a look full of confidence and strength. 

“Yes you can. You Lallie Barton are smart and caring and sexy and incommensurably pretty.”

“Whoa, that’s a big word !”

Natasha smirked at her and she exhaled slowly before straightening her back and mustering all the courage she had in herself.

“Show me what dress you were thinking about.”

 

*

 

Nat was right, the dress was perfect. She felt sexier than she ever did. The silk-like fabric was bright red, complimenting her light-blonde hair and the shade of her lipstick. The cut was making her curvy hips look fantastic. She found some heels she nearly never wore because she was always uncomfortable on them but she had to admit her legs looked great now. When she entered the room where the party had already started, she briefly remembered it was here she first met Bucky Barnes. It was months ago now and the contrast was striking. Back then she was coming back from a run with Natasha, red then too but from the effort. She definitely didn’t feel as sexy as she did tonight. When she walked in the room back then her heart was free, tonight though it was heavy with longing. Bucky though was the constant. He took her heart from the moment she met him, he was all she could see from the very moment her eyes fell upon his silhouette and she was here now because of him, for him, hoping she could be all he saw. 

She instantly felt multiple pairs of eyes on her as she walked in but her gaze was anchored on Natasha, finding strength in her proud smile. She was her roc right now, before she could get to the bar and drink some liquid courage. She let out a breath of relief when she finally reached the red-head (and subsequently the bar), ordered a shot of tequila and drank it all in one swig under Nat’s amused look. 

“You’re going to kill him.” She laughed and Lallie couldn’t hold back a proud smile of her own. 

 

*

 

As crazy as it may sound, Natasha could be wrong. Even though she received many flattering compliments from a flirty Sam, a blushing Steve and a cocky Tony as long as other men she never saw before, Bucky never once approached her. He stayed away from her throughout the whole night and only the tequila allowed her not to feel the violence of the rejection. She would have never made it through if she had been sober. The worst was that he didn’t stay away from her, she had to stop that his actions had anything to do with her, he just wasn’t interested in her so why would he come over ? He didn’t care. He didn’t see her while he was everything. She suddenly felt sick. She wanted to puke. She thought she could do it. That she could make him fall for her like she fell for him but she couldn’t. Clearly it wasn’t meant to be and she scoffed at herself. How could she have been so stupid from the start ? Of course it wasn’t. They weren’t soulmates. And while she was dumbly pining over him, he was destined to another ! She needed to leave. She couldn’t stay craving for his gaze on her although she had no right to ask it from him. 

She excused herself from the group, feeling Wanda’s extremely worried eyes on her as she retreated stumbling on her heels. For sure the psychic must have sensed the way Lallie felt but she was too much wiped of all her energy to find the strength to reassure the younger girl. She felt empty. She stumbled again and was sure she would have fallen if someone didn’t catch her by the waist. She turned around to thank her savior but found herself silent as she saw who caught her. He had his hair tied in a bun like the first time she met him. He was beautiful, everything about him was beautiful. From his perfectly defined jaw, his nose, his cheekbones, his thin but very kissable lips to his gray-blue eyes. It was the first time though she saw them so dark and expressive. She could have sworn he was trying to tell her something, to scream it and for a minute she lost herself in his intense gaze. For once he was looking at her. He was still touching her, still holding onto her. She let herself revel in the feeling of existing under his eyes. Just for a moment and then she’d come back to reality. The moment stretched and she wished she could just stay here forever, lost in his gaze, but she was stronger than that. She was smart and caring and sexy and incommensurably pretty. She deserved to be loved, to be seen. And honestly a part of her just wanted to punch his perfect face. She hadn’t the patience anymore. 

“I need to go.” She said and hated that her voice sounded weaker than she intended, making it sound like a plea. 

Let me go, let me live, let me be happy. It seemed like her eyes were pleading him and he found his resolve tumbling down. He had made her miserable. He had taken her joy away from her, the joy that made her who she was. As if her skin had suddenly burnt him his hand let go of her waist and he missed the feeling of her skin instantly as it fell to his sides. He would have gladly let his hand burn forever if it meant he would be by her side but she was unhappy and that he couldn’t stand. So he let her go and watch her disappear out of the room, leaving him with only the memory of how stunningly beautiful she looked in that red dress. 

 

*

 

The morning after was quite harsh on Bucky, not because of a hungover like several of his teammates, but because of the heart ache he was bearing. He wasn’t the first in the common kitchen though for Romanov and Steve were already there, the second bending over the stove. His attempts at baking pancakes were unfortunate. They looked nothing like the ones Lallie would make. The thought of her only brought the memory of her eyes full of tears and the feeling of her soft skin sliding like silk between his grip. She had left, taking part of him in her flee but his heart settled at the thought of seeing her this morning. Maybe he could tell her then. Last night he had been working on gathering his courage to talk to her, but never quite made it to the point of coming over and actually say the words instead of just thinking them, hoping she could hear them like she was a mind-reader.   
As if Steve could know what his bestfriend was thinking about, he turned to the red-head. 

“Where’s Lallie anyway ?” he wondered watching his weird-looking pancakes. “She’s usually already there every Sunday morning baking pancakes when I arrive.”

Red curls moved when Romanov fixed her stare on Bucky instead of Steve. 

“She left by the first train this morning. To Clint’s house.” She added and Bucky had the feeling it was for his benefit. 

There was a pause again in her speech and she smirked, seeing Bucky’s body tense up at her words.

“We won’t see her as much as we used to around here from now on though. I don’t think she’ll be coming back soon.”

The brown-long-haired man never saw his oldest friend’s frown as his heart sank to his stomach and his vision blurred. 

“Wh…What ?” he managed to croak out. 

The ex-spy only shrugged at him but even if she had answered him he wouldn’t have heard her anyway because of the loud beating sound of his heart and the humming in his ears. No. It couldn’t have been the last time he saw her. He couldn’t never see her again. He couldn’t let her go. Not when he wasn't sure he'd ever see her again.

His chair’s foot cringed against the floor before it fell to the ground as Bucky brutally stood up. He didn’t apologize to his two companions and before they could even asked what the hell was wrong with him, he had left the room. The dread turned into fuel in his body and he started running, reaching the compound’s garage faster than humanly possible. He turned on his motorcycle as soon as he was sitting on it, not even bothering with an helmet and with a loud roaring sound was soon going at full speed on New-York’s roads. 

His mind was blank, he couldn’t think of anything else than “No” and he never suppressed the utter fear and sickness felling at the bottom of his stomach. She must have caught a very early train and he reprimanded himself for not leaving his room before noon when the hunger was too strong and he was fed up with doing abs exercises. He had been a couple of times at Clint’s house, meeting the kind and charming Laura as well as their kids. Lallie was neither there the first nor the second time but he remembered staying over in a room full of paintings and plants and although he didn’t knew for sure, he strongly suspected now it had been her room. He could remember the soft perfume on the sheets, the mellowness of the pillows. He had spent one of his best nights for what had seemed an eternity. He had linked it to the welcoming and peaceful environment but now he thought that maybe it was because subconsciously his body recognized the scent of his soulmate and he finally felt at home. 

The Bartons house was located in the middle of nowhere and the sun was setting when he finally reached the little town nearby the self-made home. He didn’t know exactly where to go from there and he sighed angry against himself. He was a highly-trained assassin, but somehow he had left without a plan and without a map. He roamed around for a while before deciding it was getting him anywhere. He stopped the engine, bent his head to take a deep breath and when he looked up again his eyes fell upon a silhouette that brought a smile to his lips. In front of him was rising a mill, red with the twilight. He could still hear Lallie marvel at the beauty of light upon the landmark. She told him once how much she loved to paint it from her window at Clint’s house and how it reminded her of Mondrian’s painting. Bucky’s smiles stretched wider on his face. She was right, it was breathtaking. But more than that it would lead him to her.   
He used to be a snipper, an elite-shooter and he’d seen the paintings in her room. From there he could calculate from which direction she must have painted it. He’d find her and this time he would do his best for her to never want to leave again.


	7. The one time (part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry it took me so long to type this part from my manuscript draft, I had a lot of work this week !
> 
> This is the last, I hope you enjoyed the whole story :) Thank you for reading it !

It was dark when Bucky finally saw the silhouette of the wooden house standing tall before his eyes. The lights were out and he hesitated. Maybe he could wait until the morning. No, he finally decided. He had waited long enough. Too long actually and had nearly lost her. She deserved the truth. He could remember her eyes full of painful sorrow and he knew it was about him. It was his fault she felt like she had to flee to be able to breathe again and he was going to right his wrongs. He couldn’t make up for his crimes as the Winter Soldier, but for this one fault he could at least try. She could tell him to go to hell, he knew it was a possibility but it was a risk he was willing to take.  
His mind raced through different ways to wake her up. He could without a doubt break in pretty easily and knock on her door, but he wasn’t one to enter a friendly home uninvited and he didn’t want to scare either Lallie or Laura and the kids. He could contact her with the electronic thing Stark called a phone. He rarely used it and even though she was the one who put her own number in his contact list before holding out the phone above her and taking a picture, he never contacted her. They counted as words, right ? Yet, he couldn’t count the hours he spent looking at her smiling face.  
He bent down and searched the ground for a fistful of pebbles before positioning himself under her window and starting to throw the gravel, careful to control his strength. After a couple of minutes he saw light coming out from behind the curtains and the window opened. He let a relieved breath he didn’t know he was holding out. She heard him. She was here. And right now she was looking at him.

 

To say Lallie was surprised to discover who had been throwing pebbles at her window was an understatement. She frowned, confused but couldn’t prevent a smile from stretching across her face softly. Bucky just did something incredibly cliché and he didn’t even have a clue. He stood silent as she wrapped herself in a cardigan.

“I’ll be out in a minute.” She called out, her voice low not to wake up anyone else. 

It wasn’t loud but she was pretty sure that Bucky with his enhanced senses heard her.  
She needed a minute to process his presence. What was he doing here ? She was pretty sure Nat was pissed at him but she knew better than push him to come here to apologize for she was aware of the fact that Lallie needed time and space. Seeing him so soon was only making things worse. Steve must have told him to come then. He must have noticed her upset state and make Bucky apologize. Why was he there otherwise ? Lallie exhorted herself to breathe calmly before making her way downstairs.  
The night air was cool but not too cold she noticed pleasantly as she passed the threshold and came to stand in front of the metal-armed man who got her heart beating. 

“Bucky.” She greeted him. 

Despite everything he still deserved respect and kindness. 

“What are you doing here ?”

As she was voicing her previous thoughts, she was secretly scared of the answer. Either way, he came closer but kept silent and it made her lose it. It reminded her why she had fled in the first place and she shook her head, feeling the tears she had spent all day fighting watering her eyes. 

“You can’t do that Bucky. You can’t come all the way down here and just break my heart all over again by not saying anything like you always do. I don’t know why you can’t seem to talk to me when you apparently can with everyone else, even with my own niece. If you came here to apologize because Steve asked you, you don’t have to, ok ? You can just go… I can’t…”

Tears came running down her cheeks and immediately Bucky’s palms were cupping her face and she held onto his strong forearms to prevent herself from falling. Her legs were weak, she felt so tired… She looked up, her eyes glistening in the dark and laughed sadly as she put back a strand of his soft brown hair behind his ear. 

“I believe that I’ve already told you this but you’re really beautiful with this man-bun. It’s killing me.”

Her eyes were enraptured by the sight of him, devouring his handsome features with such attention she nearly missed his words. 

“I’ve kept it for you.”

It was barely a whisper and Lallie was too stunned by the fact that he spoke to her, that she actually heard his voice as he addressed her that she didn’t registered his words at first.

“Wh…What did you just say ?”

He was looking at her with adoration, a smile grazing his face. 

“I’ve kept it for you.”

She let her fingertips wander along his squared jaw in a daze.

“I’ll say it as long as you want it, as long as you need me to say it, over and over. I’ve kept it for you Lallie.”

“The bun ?” she finally managed to whisper. 

It was a dumb question but right now it was the only thing she could think of saying.

“The bun” he nodded with a smile. “Your water bottle. The seat in the movie room. The cookie. The heart-shaped drawing. I’ve kept them all for you.”

“You…You did ?”

Good job, Lallie thought, getting dumber and dumber ! But she couldn’t believe what was happening. After thinking for so long that her feelings were unreturned and being at a loss to understand why she felt so strongly about him if he wasn’t her soulmate. 

“That means that you are…”

Her hands were on his face as if she was a blind woman discovering what he looked like with her touch, but he didn’t seem to mind. 

“I am. And you are my soulmate Lallie.”

A wide smile broke upon her face, full of genuine happiness and Bucky thought he never saw her as beautiful as she was right now.

“But why…why didn’t you say anything ?”

Bucky sobered up suddenly and his eyes turned darker with guilt.

“I was scared you wouldn’t accept me. I thought I was a monster and you deserved more, someone better than me."

Lallie was at a loss of words and her eyes grew wider as bitter understanding hit her.

“You thought I minded about your past ? Have I ever done something to make you think that I wouldn’t accept you for who you were ? How could you believe that as saw you as unworthy ?”

It wasn’t anger exactly, although it stung, but she knew he didn’t mean to hurt her and that he was still seeing himself as unredeemable. She didn’t want to heap another burden on him but she needed the words to come out. 

“You knew I was your soulmate and that I was most probably pining over you, still, you let me think you didn’t feel anything for me. You’re not allowed to decide what or who I deserve. I deserved the truth and a little faith in me, that’s what I deserved !”

As Lallie’s voice was getting louder, Bucky was getting uneasier.

“Lallie I…”

“No !”

She took a step back, pushing his hands away from her face but he caught her wrists, careful not to hurt her and pressed her body against his, her head buried against his muscular chest. 

“I’m sorry” he repeated like a leitmotiv until she started to calm down between his arms and stopped fighting him. “I’ll never lie to you anymore. I won’t hurt you ever again. I didn’t know, I swear I didn’t knew how much pain you were in. I’m sorry.”

Finally, he felt her smaller hands press lightly on his back and he kissed her hair before she looked up at him and he felt sick at the sight of her cheeks still wet and red from the tears. 

“You’re mine ?” Her voice was hopeful but still a little hesitant and weak. 

“I’m yours.” Bucky replied without a doubt.

“And you’ll never leave me ?” she whispered as she put her hands on his cheeks, scratching gently his stubble. 

“I’ll never leave you.” He kissed her palms as he swore so. 

“Good, ‘cause I won’t either.” She promised, joy coming back to life in her eyes. “Because Bucky” she continued “you may not see it but you’re worth being held onto. I see you James Buchanan Barnes. And I’m neither scared nor repelled.”

She carefully caressed his thin lips, then the shadows under his eyes with adoration.

He closed his eyes for a few seconds before his voice broke the silence. A confession in the night. 

“I was standing in darkness for so long, then suddenly there was light. You were the light. And I was scared that the darkness in me, the things I’ve done, the crimes I committed, the mess in my head and the scars on my skin, I was scared it would all tarnish the light inside of you. And I feel so easily and completely in love with you but I never was afraid I’d get hurt, I was terrified you would. And by wanting to protect you I caused you affliction.”

“You don’t have to carry your burden all by yourself. You don’t have to be the only savior between the two of us. We can save each other.”

When Bucky’s lips finally met Lallie’s in a kiss full of devotion and ardor, after such long months of waiting, and he felt warmth in his heart for the first time in decades, slowly spreading in every part of his body, running inside his veins like fire, reaching his fingertips, both metal and flesh, he knew then she was the one thing that always had been meant to save his soul.


End file.
